Not Having Children

Not having children can be a lifestyle choice or something you cannot avoid. Some women see it as a good thing, and enjoy the freedom of not having to consider a needy little person who is demanding of their time and is the centre of the parent’s world. Other women would do anything in their power to have a child. They want to focus all their attention on their own baby or their own child. They would quite happily sacrifice their freedom and personal time for a family. But for various reasons, they cannot have that longed-for child.

When I was younger, I most definitely fitted within the first group. I wanted to be a career woman, travel the world and I didn’t particularly want children. If I did, they would go to boarding school and be raised by a nanny. This feeling was so deep within me that when I had a miscarriage as a teenager after having an unplanned pregnancy, I was relieved that the choice to do something was taken out of my hands.

Now, though, almost ten years later, I feel so much guilt about that. I sometimes even cry about it. Now, at the age of twenty seven, I no longer consider myself childfree. I now consider myself childless. I want nothing more than to become a mum. But, I am single and I don’t menstruate regularly. I fear I will never have another opportunity to become a mother. My chance to have a family has been and gone in that one miscarriage.

Seeing a pregnant woman in the street is difficult. I have a hollow, empty feeling in my stomach. My eyes fill with tears and the smile disappears from my face. My breathing quickens as I try to control my emotions. I have to try hard not to cry.

Sometimes easier, and sometimes more difficult is when people you know are having children. A number of my friends and similar-age family are having children. It is lovely to spend time with them and get to be the fun aunt. And I know that these children are loved. But sometimes, when I know that the mum is not in the best place to have a child, it can make it even more difficult. Jealousy, anger and resentment are just some of the emotions experienced.

I feel torn between supporting the mum and needing to protect myself from the hurt of seeing her experience all the things I want to experience. I feel I need time to adjust to this, and to retreat, lick my wounds and not let the mum feel any of my negativity. Sometimes, I just try to avoid it all together. It is easy in the early days, a simple congratulations and asking when it's due seems to do the trick. But as the pregnancy progresses, and the bump becomes more and more obvious, it's not always as easy.

At work, I manage to slip into a professional mode. I spend my working day surrounded by pregnant mums and newborn babies and manage to get through it. And this is how I must deal with those I know.

Despite this, though, I still go home with an empty heart to an empty house and desperately research ways I can become a mum.

Whilst some see the childfree life as a blessing, and are pleased to enjoy the freedom this brings, others view childlessness as a curse and would gladly exchange adult holidays and long, weekend lie-ins for the worry and joy a child can bring. Despite desperately wanting the single life when I was younger, I am now desperate to become a mum, regardless of the stresses that brings. Like many women, I will do everything my power to get there.

What Actually Happens in Labour?

After my long stint on labour ward for my placement, I have decided to write about what really happens in labour. The media shows unnatural labours. Soaps and movies have women believe labour will entail her waters popping and going everywhere, a pain, a push and a baby. Shows such as One Born Every Minute obviously want to show the most exciting births. But normally, labour is not like that.

Check out the article I have written about what really happens in labour. Let me know what you think!

What do babies really need?

What should parents really buy for a newborn? In view of a post I wrote a little while back, this is an article I wrote on Helium about what newborns really need. Check it out and let me know what you think

Not Having Children

Not Having Children is an article I have written about how I feel being a childless woman. Sometimes, being childless affects me more than other times. Reading through this article, I was particularly affected at the time.

Let me know what you think about it.

Births

I have witnessed the birth of countless babies over the last year. Despite the fact that I have seen a number of different types of birth, and understand the mechanics of the process, it still amazes me. It amazes me that two tiny little cells can grow to create a baby. It amazes me that a woman instinctively knows what to do during labour. And it amazes me every time I see a baby's head just sitting there, some where between life in utero and life outside, waiting for that one contraction which will propel him or her in to the outside world.

Cloth Nappies

I have found a great source of information about cloth nappies on the internet. It is from a lady called The Nappy Lady.

Visit her website here: www.thenappylady.co.uk

More Plans

So, in addition to all the making plans about conceiving, I have also been trying to make plans about the practical side of becoming a mum. This whole process involves a lot of thinking. So, I have tried to come up with a list if everything I might need for when I (finally) become a mum.



1. Pram. I love the Silver Cross Heritage Collection. I would absolutely love the Balmoral (left), I think it is, by far, the most beautiful pram around. However, it doesn't collapse down at all, and I need something which will fold, to some extent, to fit in my car. So, I think I plan on going for the Kensington (right). It seems a little more practical than the Balmoral. It folds down slightly, so should fit in the boot of my (thankfully very spacious) car, and is slightly smaller, yet it is still absolutely beautiful and looks so comfortable for baby. It is also a little bit cheaper than the Balmoral - about £200. I would love it in pink - my absolute favourite colour - they do a beautiful pink and white in both, but I think I would go for navy. If I had a little boy, pink might not be the best option, whilst navy is more unisex and will keep cleaner looking. There are also a few accessories I would buy, such as the rain cover and the sun canopy.
(Both photos from the Silver Cross website: http://www.silvercrossbaby.com/Classic-Prams/ )

2. Crib. I'm not too fussed about a cot to begin with. For the first few months, baby would be in my room, anyway. And a crib would fit far better than a cot. Current guidelines are that babies sleep in whichever room their parents are in, including for day time naps. I would therefore plan on buying a crib to go in my room (top floor) and the living room (middle floor) and probably let baby sleep in the pram in the dining room (ground floor). I have found some absolutely gorgeous cribs - antique looking and elaborately designed - but, I have decided that I will just go for a simple, basic and cheaper crib as baby won't be in it very long. They are only recommended up to the age of 6 months. Several outlets have them for sale at £39.99, plus the cost of the mattress, which costs approximately £13. So that would be a little over £100 for two cribs.

3. Bedding. This would be another essential for when baby arrives. I love all the cute bedding sets which everywhere sells. But they seem so expensive, especially since they will frequently become soiled by baby. I much prefer flat to fitted sheets - I try and buy flat sheets for myself - it is the nurse within me which means that I must have lovely, crisp and neat hospital corners on my bed. Fitted sheets just do not have the same appearance. However, it seems quite difficult to find some reasonably priced flat sheets for a crib and a pram. So I will just have to continue my search for these. Blankets seem to sell for anything from £8 upwards, depending on whether they are plain or patterned.

4. Nappies. I would love to use real cloth nappies. I have read a lot about the impact of disposable nappies on babies, and I would much prefer not to use them. However, cloth nappies seem quite complicated when you first start looking at them. There are numerous different systems, some will fit from birth right through to potty training. Others need replacing as the baby grows. There are different ways of folding the nappy, different materials to choose from and loads of recommendations on washing. I also like the idea of reusable wipes rather than chemically disposable ones. I will also need a nappy mat, a changing bag and a nappy bail, to soak the dirty nappies. When I find a really good and clear website explaining it all, I will share it with you. Until then, I am still researching.

5. Clothes. Again, I'm not going to go for fancy outfits. Baby will wear something for a few hours and then it will be dirty. I plan on buying a bunch of sleep suits and vests - when I get pregnant, I don't want to find out what I am having - so they will have to be neutral. I will also purchase a couple of hats and cardigans, and, depending on the time of year, a snowsuit or two. Some of the cloth nappies require slightly bigger bottoms in the clothing to accommodate the extra bulk of the nappy.

6. Bathing. Nothing much is essential here. I will probably get a cheap baby bath, although even that isn't strictly essential. I will need cotton wool, I will just use towels I already have to dry baby. I don't buy in to the fact that babies need their own special little towels.

7. Feeding. I plan on breastfeeding and will need to buy in nothing special for this.

8. Play. Newborn babies see only in black and white for the first few weeks of life, so I will get a selection of black and white hanging toys and a play gym (preferably with black and white toys attached) for the first few weeks, and then move on to the brightly coloured sort.

9. Cot. I will get one for when baby moves in to their own room at at least six months of age. Again, there are some absolutely beautifully crafted cots out there, but there are also cots on the cheaper end of the spectrum. They are as little as £35 at Ikea and £39.99 at kiddiecare.com. Both require mattresses, but these are available at a reasonable cost. There would then be the cost of bedding to go with these.

10. Car seat. These seem to vary enormously in price. From what I can see, a lot of it is about the brand. They seem to run from about £20 (for brands which I have never heard of) to over £200. I quite like the Isofix ones, but I don't think my car has Isofix, so it will have to be one of the ones you have to strap in every time. My main criteria for selecting a car seat will be its safety. I want a make with a proven safety record. I also want one which isn't too expensive (if there is one for £100 which is just as safe as one for £200, I will be more inclined to go for the cheaper one), and I would like one with a hood, so baby has some protection from the sun or rain.

I would need some essentials for after baby - these would include maternity pads and breast pads. It would also help to have lots of things ready for myself after the baby - a well stocked home so that I didn't feel rushed to go out for a while with a new baby if I didn't have to, and a comfortable guest room. I would invite my mum to stay for a short while, just to help me get to grips with everything, and I would want her to feel comfortable.

I'm sure I've forgotten something very essential. If I have, feel free to leave me a comment.