Not Having Children

Not having children can be a lifestyle choice or something you cannot avoid. Some women see it as a good thing, and enjoy the freedom of not having to consider a needy little person who is demanding of their time and is the centre of the parent’s world. Other women would do anything in their power to have a child. They want to focus all their attention on their own baby or their own child. They would quite happily sacrifice their freedom and personal time for a family. But for various reasons, they cannot have that longed-for child.

When I was younger, I most definitely fitted within the first group. I wanted to be a career woman, travel the world and I didn’t particularly want children. If I did, they would go to boarding school and be raised by a nanny. This feeling was so deep within me that when I had a miscarriage as a teenager after having an unplanned pregnancy, I was relieved that the choice to do something was taken out of my hands.

Now, though, almost ten years later, I feel so much guilt about that. I sometimes even cry about it. Now, at the age of twenty seven, I no longer consider myself childfree. I now consider myself childless. I want nothing more than to become a mum. But, I am single and I don’t menstruate regularly. I fear I will never have another opportunity to become a mother. My chance to have a family has been and gone in that one miscarriage.

Seeing a pregnant woman in the street is difficult. I have a hollow, empty feeling in my stomach. My eyes fill with tears and the smile disappears from my face. My breathing quickens as I try to control my emotions. I have to try hard not to cry.

Sometimes easier, and sometimes more difficult is when people you know are having children. A number of my friends and similar-age family are having children. It is lovely to spend time with them and get to be the fun aunt. And I know that these children are loved. But sometimes, when I know that the mum is not in the best place to have a child, it can make it even more difficult. Jealousy, anger and resentment are just some of the emotions experienced.

I feel torn between supporting the mum and needing to protect myself from the hurt of seeing her experience all the things I want to experience. I feel I need time to adjust to this, and to retreat, lick my wounds and not let the mum feel any of my negativity. Sometimes, I just try to avoid it all together. It is easy in the early days, a simple congratulations and asking when it's due seems to do the trick. But as the pregnancy progresses, and the bump becomes more and more obvious, it's not always as easy.

At work, I manage to slip into a professional mode. I spend my working day surrounded by pregnant mums and newborn babies and manage to get through it. And this is how I must deal with those I know.

Despite this, though, I still go home with an empty heart to an empty house and desperately research ways I can become a mum.

Whilst some see the childfree life as a blessing, and are pleased to enjoy the freedom this brings, others view childlessness as a curse and would gladly exchange adult holidays and long, weekend lie-ins for the worry and joy a child can bring. Despite desperately wanting the single life when I was younger, I am now desperate to become a mum, regardless of the stresses that brings. Like many women, I will do everything my power to get there.