A Difficult Week

So, as you probably know by now, I am desperate to become a mum. Despite the fact that the desire is always there, sometimes it is more controllable than others. In that respect, this has been a bad week.

I'm currently working in pre-op assessment. We see patients who are having elective general anaesthetics. A number of the patients have cancers of some sort, but usually these are localised and hence they are able to have surgery to remove it. Therefore, unlike on the wards, I don't really feel very much emotional involvement towards my patients.

This week was different, though.

For the first time since I have been working in pre-op, I saw a woman who was coming in for a termination. Now, for years, I have struggles with my beliefs about terminations. I have flipped between pro-life and pro-choice. On one hand, I struggle to understand how women can choose to end the life of an unborn baby just because it does not fit in with her life plan. However, I also don't think it is fair that it is purely the woman who may be left with the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. On the other hand, friends of mine had a termination when they were pregnant with a baby who would not have survived. Having this baby, carrying him to term and delivering him only to watch him die would not have been fair on this couple or the two other young children they had at home who would have struggled to understand.

Anyway, this woman was having a termination as she didn't want to have another baby (her youngest was a little under a year old). I was almost tempted not to pre-op her (under the NMC (Nursing and Midwifery Council) regulations, we have the ability to conscientiously object to providing care for women having such procedures, except in a life-threatening situation). All the other nurses had patients, this lady had asked the healthcare assistant twice in the few minutes I was reading through her notes (before I discovered what she was coming in for) how long it would be before she was seen by a nurse as she had to leave soon to pick her older children up from school. She had quite complicated medical history, hence why she was coming to hospital for the termination and not to a clinic. I decided I would have to see her.

It was quite a difficult pre-op. She was reluctant to engage in conversation. The baby was screaming. She wouldn't make eye contact. She was on the defensive. I finished my assessment and sent her on her way.

I almost cried when she left my room.

I felt guilty that I had participated in some small way to that termination.

I don't think I will pre-op women in the future who are coming in for a termination. Instead, I will use my right to conscientiously object.

Now, I don't know if I have just been in a rather vulnerable state, or if it is something I have only just noticed, but this evening, driving home from work, I had to switch off the radio. The presenter was, once again, talking about babies and pregnancies. Pretty much every show of his seems to feature a phone-in about either babies or pregnancy, and it's really getting to me. Do they not have any tact and sensitivity for the women who may be listening to the radio station and who are desperately try to conceive a baby?