Thoughts on a Miscarriage

When I was 19, I discovered I was pregnant. It was far from ideal. I was young and I was a penniless student. The father of the baby was someone I had fancied for a very long time, but he was not a good man. He was a liar and a cheat. He and his girlfriend were in an on/off relationship, and he frequently cheated on her. He cheated on her with me. Whilst I fancied him, at that time, I suddenly realised he could not be the father of my baby - he was nowhere near ready emotionally. In all honesty, I did not want to be a mum. Whilst I had always been against abortion, I did seriously consider it as an option. Fortunately, the decision was taken out of my hands.

One morning, about three days later whilst visiting a home for homeless young mothers, I started bleeding. I bled on to the chair I was sitting on and the manager of the home pointed it out to me. I was so embarrassed. I cleaned myself up, got in my car and drove home. I retreated to my bedroom for the next couple of days. I bled heavily, passed large clots and had the worst cramps I had ever experienced. I phoned my mentor and told her I wouldn't be in. I said I had come down with a terrible cold.

After about two days, I began to feel better. The bleeding, whilst still heavy, was settling down and the cramps were improving. I don't know what my mum thought: I had told her I had a terrible cold, but she could see I wasn't like I normally am with a cold. She has never asked me about it. I saw the man that evening when I went out. I just acted like normal around him. I felt only relief that I was not still carrying his baby.

I returned to placement that Monday, just five days after the bleeding started. I was a student nurse at the time and was out with the health visitor. I was surrounded by babies and young children, and yet this didn't bother me. In fact, the only thing which I was concerned about was bleeding and leaving a mark on someone's couch.

A year later, I had a placement on a gynaecological ward. I struggled to understand how people were so emotional when they miscarried. For me, at that time, the miscarriage was a blessing. And yet, there I was trying to support women who were going through a miscarriage or a threatened miscarriage. I struggled to understand their grief. The only thing which hit me was the fact that I never sought help of any kind when I was miscarrying; in fact, no one knew I was pregnant. And yet, there were a number of women who had been admitted for an evacuation of retained products of conception ( a D&C, as it is more commonly known) due to the risk of leaving the products within the uterus. I had even used tampons to control the blood loss! I realised how dangerous that was during this placement.

About a year after my placement, I thought I was pregnant again. Whilst that pregnancy would not have been planned, and again, I would have been single, I had almost finished university and was more emotionally ready to handle a pregnancy and becoming a mother. I felt guilty about the fact I never mourned the first pregnancy, and felt repulsed at my callousness regarding it. A pregnancy test, however, quickly ruled out that I was not pregnant.

To this day, no one knows of that pregnancy. But whenever I think about it, I felt guilt and sadness at the fact that the pregnancy, which was unwanted, turned out in such an awful way. Even now, that miscarriage brings tears to my eyes.