Blast from the Past

Saw an ex today. It was...strange, to say the least.

I hadn't seen this guy for years, and, well, I know he is a lying, cheating rat. But I just couldn't take the smile off my face. I think I'd say yes to anything he suggested.

Artificial Insemination

OK, following on from my post about being desperate for a baby, I have been doing some research.

Actually, I had started doing the research about a year ago. About a year ago, I also came to the conclusion that, in the UK, artificial insemination is very, very expensive. How could I afford to pay these fees and raise a baby? There are a huge number of other problems, too, which I encountered. Namely, since the change in the anonymity laws a few years ago (2005, I believe), there has been a huge reduction in the number of sperm donors, and more importantly, in the amount of sperm available.

From my research, there is only the opportunity to have artificial insemination in clinics in the UK. These clinics, and I'm not yet sure of my position on this, have the say on whether or not they treat a single woman. I understand that, as health professionals, they are responsible for their actions and omissions, and if inseminate someone who turns out to abuse or neglect that child, I suppose they, technically, could be held accountable for that.

However, people choosing to have a baby the conventional way have to seek no approval whatsoever. When the mother-to-be presents to the midwife, or the GP, they do not have to prove that they are going to be good parents.

Another thing with which I am not too comfortable, is the HEFA registration. I understand fully that there is a risk, a small risk, of that child unbeknown to them, meeting and falling in love with a half-sibling. However, getting pregnant with a one night stand may also pose the same risk, greater perhaps, as the semen could be ordered from anywhere in the country; a one night stand is likely to be had nearer to home.

Also, with the child having the right to know who their birth father is when they are 18 years old, or younger of getting married, I believe, what does HEFA do? Do they send a letter out on the child's 18th birthday? Or do they let the child contact them? What if it was never the right time to tell the child? What if the child was never in the right situation to process such information?

Having thoroughly thought all this through, I have decided that using a UK fertility clinic over here is not the right route for me.

There is at least one website on the internet which matches people up; men who are willing to donate and women wishing to receive sperm. In theory, this is great. It matches those in need with men of altruistic nature. However, there is no sort of screening. I know I mentioned considering a one night stand, but I don't think it is something I would be able to go through with. I just wouldn't feel comfortable using this service.

So, I have found an alternative. Denmark still allows anonymous donation of sperm. A huge proportion of their customers come from overseas, including the UK. And they provide sperm for self artificially inseminating. I mean, this is great. They ship to the UK. The sperm itself costs a minimal amount, the delivery is the major cost. They advise the use of two straws (I assume these are the equivalent of vials) per insemination. Now, if the delivery charge is like ordering from an online store, and the delivery charge is per order, rather than per item, then this is affordable. If, however, the delivery charge is per item, then it will be cheaper to fly to Denmark and self artificially inseminate in a hotel over there. I am, however, awaiting a response.

This is something I can definitely see myself doing. However (and this may be too much information) but my periods are a bit all over the place. I think the reason, or the main reason for this, may be because I have a few stone to lose. I have decided that I will lose this over the next six to nine months, and then go ahead with my plan.

It's snowing!

Well, it has been.

I don't mind the snow. I'm a big kid at heart, really. I quite like it, in fact. But it's went snow. It's not sticking at all.

But I wish we had the beautiful weather back.

So unhappy. I was on nights when we had the hot weather, so spent most of it in bed!

Urgh

Desperate For A Baby

I think I can hear my biological clock ticking. In fact, I know I can.

When I was a kid, I thought I would be a mum by the time I was in my early twenties, I thought that would be the bet thing for a kid, to have a young mum. But it didn't happen.

I mean, I'm hardly old or anything; I'm only 25. But I am desperate to be a mum.

You remember that episode in Friends? The one where they are celebrating Rachel's 30th birthday? Chandler gets her that card calling her a grandmother, and she gets upset, not because he is calling her old, but because she can't be a grandmother as he is not a mother. And then she says it's fine, because she wants kids by the time she is 35, but then has to meet the guy, be with him for a while, get engaged, plan the wedding etc etc before having a baby.

Well, I feel like that.

My mum was an older mum, and it upset me that she didn't really have any mummy friends. Her friends had children much younger, and so all the mums at school when she used to take us were about 10 years younger than her. I actually felt quite sad for her. As I got older, anyway. When I was younger, I guess I never really noticed.

And so, I wanted children earlier. When I was younger, I wanted my first by the time I was 20, and then 3 more by the time I was 27.

I want the whole marriage and house in the country thing first. I'm single, so I need to meet a guy (the one at work, apparently he has a girlfriend!). There are a few others at work, but it is just so hard knowing if they are with someone or not. Anyway, I don't want to be like some of the girls I know, and get pregnant within 6 month of meeting him. I want a couple of years with him, make sure that we are both in it for the long term, which means I would be heading on for 28 when we started trying (assuming I met him today). And I don't think I would get pregnant straight away.

Despite the fact that I want a husband and for that husband to be the father of any child/children I have in the future, I am getting that desperate to be a mum that I have actually considered a few other routes. I have thought about just going out, getting blind drunk and picking up the first man I see to father my child. But I'm way too scared for that. I have only ever, well twice when I was drunk. The first time, I was a teenager, and was flirting with this guy (after way too many vodkas - I didn't even fancy him, and I knew that I thought he was a bit weird when I was sober - he was the year above me in college). Anyway, one of the other girls started flirting with him and I got insanely jealous and felt lonely as she was there with her boyfriend. So I left the club with him. I couldn't go through with it completely, but I was absolutely mortified (maybe it was the guy and not the deed, though) and only told my friend about a year or two ago, and that was only because somebody else said something.

The other time, I was at a friends house party. A few months before, one of the lads had asked me to sleep with him and I said no, and we got talking about it whilst drunk and, well, one thing led to another. Mortified!

I'd also be way too scared that I would catch something.

I looked in to donor insemination, too, but I think I would be embarrassed by that, also. The child would be told about it, i my understanding, at the age of 18 years. I'm not sure how I would handle that.

I really want to be a mum, though. It physically hurt me when I see a pregnant woman/new baby. My stomach contracts and I feel a wave of sadness come over me. All babies make me say "aww" even screaming one. I know I'm ready to be a mum.

Here' the rubbish bit though. I don't know if I can have kids. My periods are erratic. I have occasional periods (cycles ranging anything from 4-52+ weeks). I know I need to get that seen to, but I was too embarrassed to even attend my smear test when the surgery sent me an appointment. And I'm scared in case they diagnose a gynae condition. If I don't meet that man, the one of my dreams, I am considering the armed forces as a career option, and someone I knew got turned down because they had a gynae issue.

Ideas for a Novel

I have always loved the idea of writing a novel. As a kid, over the long summer holidays, when it was rainy and cold outside, my sister and I used to write stories. The first adult story I started writing was about a group of friends who lived in a village. They knew each other from school and college and work and most had lived there, and known each other, all their life.
I started it off basing the characters on friends that I used to go to the pub with when I was about 18. The characters and the relationships were, as I said, initially based on my own group of friends. But the story progressed at a much different rate to real life and very soon, the story became entirely fictional.

I have been writing this story for the past seven years. Initially, I dreamed of it becoming published. However, even if I do ever finish this story (I'm at about 70,000 words and far from finished), I think it is far too personal to share with the world.

I have several other stories I have in my head at the moment. They all have strong characters in them, and they just tend to pop up in my head at times and I managed to write. But so far, I'm yet to finish a story. Here are my current favourite soties that I am working on:

Katherine:
Katherine works as a lawyer. She is very focused on her career, works long hours in the office and doesn't have much time to herself outside of work. But on a rare night out with her former fellow students at university, she meets a man called Darren and they have a one night stand. A few weeks later, Katherine realises she is pregnant.

Initially, Katherine decides she has no choice, and books an appointment to have an abortion. A documentary the night before though, forces Katherine to change her mind. And she decides to tell the man, whom she has not seen since that night, that she is pregnant.

Slowly, Katherine starts to fall in love with Darren and plans to return to work within a few weeks after the baby is born. But things don't go to plan for Katherine.

Ella:
Ella is a strong, confident woman at university. She is sociable and everyone loves her. She is training to be a teacher, something she has wanted to do for years.

And then, Ella meets Derek. He is charming and protective and appears madly in love with her. But things change when they get married.

Slowly, Derek turns in to a possessive, domaneering man. And then he hits her. But Ella stays, each time forgiving him. One night, though, Derek goes too far and hits their eldest child, Holly.

The next morning, with their two children, she leaves.

Ella starts to build a new life with her children and plans to go back to university to finish her teacher training. But when she files for divorce, Derek doesn't like the idea that timid little Ella is actually leaving him. And so, he goes after her.

Ellie, Ava and Jane:
Ellie is a teacher, in her late twenties. She is dating a businessman who often travels overseas for work. She loves im but knows he's not the type to settle down.

Ava is a single mum in her early thirties. She works as a nurse and enjoys her nights with the man she met on a night out. She doesn't know how long he will be around, so he hasn't her daughter and has never even been to her house. The fact he travels for business suits her.

Jane is a thirty year old office manager. She is deeply in love with her boyfriend and, unbeknown to him, stopped taking the Pill six months ago.

And so, when each of these women find out they are pregnant, they are surprised. Jane is delighted.

Lee is horrifies to discover that three of the women he is seeing are pregnant.

When these women meet in ante-natal class, they discover that the same man is the father of each of their unborn children. And so the women decide to exact their revenge on Lee.

I love these stories and can't wait to complete them.

Please let me know what you think of them. Leave any comments or suggestions below.