When I was a kid, I thought I would be a mum by the time I was in my early twenties, I thought that would be the bet thing for a kid, to have a young mum. But it didn't happen.
I mean, I'm hardly old or anything; I'm only 25. But I am desperate to be a mum.
You remember that episode in Friends? The one where they are celebrating Rachel's 30th birthday? Chandler gets her that card calling her a grandmother, and she gets upset, not because he is calling her old, but because she can't be a grandmother as he is not a mother. And then she says it's fine, because she wants kids by the time she is 35, but then has to meet the guy, be with him for a while, get engaged, plan the wedding etc etc before having a baby. Well, I feel like that.
My mum was an older mum, and it upset me that she didn't really have any mummy friends. Her friends had children much younger, and so all the mums at school when she used to take us were about 10 years younger than her. I actually felt quite sad for her. As I got older, anyway. When I was younger, I guess I never really noticed.
And so, I wanted children earlier. When I was younger, I wanted my first by the time I was 20, and then 3 more by the time I was 27.
I want the whole marriage and house in the country thing first. I'm single, so I need to meet a guy (the one at work, apparently he has a girlfriend!). There are a few others at work, but it is just so hard knowing if they are with someone or not. Anyway, I don't want to be like some of the girls I know, and get pregnant within 6 month of meeting him. I want a couple of years with him, make sure that we are both in it for the long term, which means I would be heading on for 28 when we started trying (assuming I met him today). And I don't think I would get pregnant straight away.
Despite the fact that I want a husband and for that husband to be the father of any child/children I have in the future, I am getting that desperate to be a mum that I have actually considered a few other routes. I have thought about just going out, getting blind drunk and picking up the first man I see to father my child. But I'm way too scared for that. I have only ever, well twice when I was drunk. The first time, I was a teenager, and was flirting with this guy (after way too many vodkas - I didn't even fancy him, and I knew that I thought he was a bit weird when I was sober - he was the year above me in college). Anyway, one of the other girls started flirting with him and I got insanely jealous and felt lonely as she was there with her boyfriend. So I left the club with him. I couldn't go through with it completely, but I was absolutely mortified (maybe it was the guy and not the deed, though) and only told my friend about a year or two ago, and that was only because somebody else said something.
The other time, I was at a friends house party. A few months before, one of the lads had asked me to sleep with him and I said no, and we got talking about it whilst drunk and, well, one thing led to another. Mortified!
I'd also be way too scared that I would catch something.
I looked in to donor insemination, too, but I think I would be embarrassed by that, also. The child would be told about it, i my understanding, at the age of 18 years. I'm not sure how I would handle that.
Here' the rubbish bit though. I don't know if I can have kids. My periods are erratic. I have occasional periods (cycles ranging anything from 4-52+ weeks). I know I need to get that seen to, but I was too embarrassed to even attend my smear test when the surgery sent me an appointment. And I'm scared in case they diagnose a gynae condition. If I don't meet that man, the one of my dreams, I am considering the armed forces as a career option, and someone I knew got turned down because they had a gynae issue.
